Climbing up five steps, wheezing and needing to stop for a break, feeling light headed and nauseous sounds like the description of an asthmatic overweight ninety year old. And I'm not talking about five flights - I'm talking less than half a flight of stairs - just five steps up. Sadly, that was exactly what had happened to me in 2008; at twenty-four years old I was killing myself with food.
At so many points I wondered how I had allowed myself to get to this point. While trying on everything in my closet and finding nothing that fit, I questioned what had happened. At which point had I started ignoring the fact that at 5'4 I shouldn't have been more than 145 lbs. Had I honestly believed at one point that I could eat anything I want, not exercise, and not gain wait? That there was no way I could be obese just because I didn't want to accept it. Because I had once been athletic as a child, skinny enough to be a model (but wasn't) in college, this somehow left me exempt from the real possibility that if I kept up my poor habits I would never go over 145 lbs.
But none of that was true. Fat doesn't care about fame, popularity, age or how nice someone is. Fat is fat and it gets on everyone the same way. I was no one special just because I had made a promise to myself in high school I would never let myself get obese. Life happens and because I wasn't on top of my health fat found me. At any time I could give in to the longing to play victim, because there are so many things I could point out that got me to 199 lbs., but the point is I didn't do anything to actively reverse the weight gain.
After reaching the 145 lbs. limit, I never thought I would reach, I dealt with the depression with chocolate, ice cream, cereal, candy. When I no longer fit into my Large items of clothing, instead of doing something about it, I dealt with the sadness by buying new extra Large clothes. When I found it difficult to move, walk, or even climb stairs, I started driving everywhere and taking the elevator. When the universe was throwing me sign after sign that I needed help and I needed to get healthy - I silenced it with tears, negative talk, and horrible habits to cope with the overwhelming feeling that I was losing my life.
One evening I was watching the news report about a seventy year old man who walked two miles every day and I thought, "If he can do it, I can do it." That became an inspiration to me. If a seventy year old man can walk two miles, a twenty-four year old woman should definitely should be able to do it too. That was probably the moment when I went from realizing I had a problem, to doing something about it. Numerous recommendations from doctors, friends and loved ones echoed in my head. I finally realized there wasn't an easy way out, complaining did nothing, I had to do this myself.
I uncovered the treadmill I had been using as a coatrack and got on. At first even 1.5 miles per hour would set off an exercise migraine but I was determined. It was my goal to walk 2 miles everyday. It took months to increase the speed and finally have two miles be under fifty minutes, so until I was at my goal weight, I modified my walking plan to 2 miles or 50 minutes, whichever came second. Introducing stretching and yoga to my routine after the run helped ease the headaches and increase the weight loss. When I changed my diet and moved away from all fast food to only home made meals, it helped ease the allure of dessert. I told everyone I knew so I would be accountable for my weight loss.
At first it seemed I would eat even more on the days I ran and so the weight wasn't coming off. I had to switch my diet to more filling foods and protein. Stuffing my face with pasta wasn't going to work. Difficult as it was, I had to pass up the jelly beans at work. Although I was very resistant at first, and would still have my candy on top of the exercise, there was growing evidence that my body needed to be cleansed of all the sugars I put in it. It was obvious my body was breaking down when even after a healthy lunch, I was still starving and would continue to have jelly beans throughout the day to keep from falling asleep, having my stomach growl, to keep from passing out or feeling dizzy. My body couldn't handle all the abuse I was putting it through. Demanding my body to process the crap I wanted instead of consuming what the body needed. I would eat according to my tongue's cravings, tastes and wants, instead of eating to provide my body with the nutrients it needed to survive.
I had failed at providing my body with what it needed so it was no wonder my body had started to fail at living. What a terrifying thought: that I had been slowly killing myself with a food addiction. So after adding exercise to my life style and adjusting to that, I slowly started weaning myself away from unhealthy foods. The process to losing weight had to be done slowly, just as I had put it on slowly, so I could adjust to this new way of life. I needed to incorporate a whole new way of treating my body into my life style and getting used to that change takes time. The weight loss was gradual, from the time I seriously started making a change in my life in September of 2009 until April 2010 I lost seventy pounds. Making adjustments to my diet and exercise allowed me to continue to lose weight at a good pace (not as fast), but in a way that I could manage in real life. I allowed certain desserts back into my diet so I didn't feel deprived of sweets, but by then strawberries were just as sweet as candy used to be and anything more was too much. My body was free of the sugar dependency it had been living and dying on. A year after starting my life change, (I don't like to call it a diet because it wasn't going to be a temporary thing to lose the weight, it was forever), I had finally made it to 129 lbs., a normal weight for my height.
Running had saved my life. I won't lie and say it was easy. It was probably the hardest thing I ever did - but that is what made it so worth it. I got my life back. I can climb five flights of stairs just fine without feeling like passing out. I can run without getting a migraine. What took me nearly an hour to walk half mile, is now a quick, fifteen minute enjoyable walk. I can say honestly, I got my life back. It was a full time job to monitor my food intake, to learn about nutrition and what to eat, what not to eat. It is still a learning process and I will probably always be reading the latest news on nutrition and weight loss. Because health became important to me. The thought of missing out on the world at twenty-four without having really lived got my gears going. Hikes through nature, enjoying the world and what it has to offer has become the real thrill I seek now.
What had started out as a chore has slowly become second nature and something I enjoy. What had began as a full time job of exercising has become so easy it's become a fast morning routine. My body has thanked me for the new healthy way of living with a closet full of clothes that fit just fine. Another source of anxiety about what I was going to wear everyday, how something looked on me, was no longer existent because a healthy body fits everything nicely.
Anyone can do this because there is no failing. There is only just continuing on this new wonderful way of life after. Yes, temptations still do come, yes I still forget some days how to live properly and so I gain back a little, but the best part is it wasn't failing. I hadn't fallen off the diet and was doomed - instead I was treating myself and could easily go back to what I was doing the next day. Sometimes I still go back and forth from 129-140, but the point is that I'm healthy again. I'm able to live again.
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