Working on inner peace.
When you live in a big city it isn't as easy as running away to nature for an hour or so either. Especially when it takes an hour just to get out of the city. It becomes an entire days effort, which is more tiring than freeing. That was a privilege which Spokane would offer. The simplicity of communing with nature with only a five minute drive involved. There are days when I miss that. With every fiber of my being, I close my eyes and go back there with my memory. I try to relive the moments when I am at peace. Pull myself into this other realm where I can still be there if I just focused hard enough. This works for a while but eventually it isn't enough. Despite the mind being the controller of emotions, experience, perception, and reality, for some reason just reliving a moment in memory is never as fulfilling as living in the moment. As time passes and more memories are revisited, it almost makes me sad that I didn't enjoy those times more. Why had I wished away my life and these experiences for something I imagined might be better? How did things always seem better in my mind than in reality?
I have played this game before. The game of perception versus reality. The vision of how life appeared perfect through the rose colored lenses of recall. It seems as though my memory has a way of remembering the good; by-passing all the negatives I was experiencing at the time which would cause me to not fully enjoy every moment of my current life. In fact, it has something to do with exactly what I am doing at this very second. Focusing on the way things were and what I wish they still were or what I want them to be. I am not just enjoying now. This is a profound moment; when I stop and realize that there might come a day when I look back on this time in my life and long for it with every fiber of my being. There will come a time when I will wonder why I didn't just enjoy this situation I am in for what it is. Not what it could be, or what I think it should be. These expectations lead to disappointments which lead to resentments and regret that only I carry and harbor toward myself. It doesn't affect anyone but me, because it is my life. A life which, at times, feels wasted. These are moments I am throwing away which, one day, I will want back. This is an epiphany. It is a reminder that I can't always necessarily get away but maybe I should stop doing so much wishing and just start living.
Perception versus reality.
That is part of the game of life. A juggle between what I am perceiving at the moment versus how I will remember it. So much of my reality is blinded by what is wrong with my current situation. I have four and a half hours until work, I can't go hiking in the mountains, I can't lose myself in the waves at the beach, I can't go on a road trip nor can I go camping. It doesn't feel like I can get away. All of these things bring a negative feeling toward the current moment. The feeling of being stuck is overwhelming. There is an overwhelming urge to lose myself in memory, reminisce. Which brings me back into the cycle of regret. Which is a cycle because every passing moment I spend regretting not enjoying my life, I am wasting and, one day, will look back on with a deeper regret of not understanding why I didn't just enjoy now. What is so wrong with my life that I'm always wishing it away? I know millions of people feel the same and many are riddled with a guilt at the thought of being anything but grateful because there are people out there who have it so much worse. But everyone has their problems, yes, it could be so much worse, but perhaps it is this unsatisfactory way of thinking which has brought so much progression among the human race. We are never satisfied. We always want it better, easier, faster.
I suppose that could be the difference between being stuck and depressed and achievement. Victory and defeat. If this longing to get away, to have it change, and be different overwhelms me to the point of defeat then I might spend it sleeping. Dreaming of how it was and how it could be better. That is a depression, when you want to live in your dreams rather than in reality. (Which, granted, can be difficult to overcome if in your dreams you can: fly, slay dragons, live in a mansion, and can be anything you ever wanted - and it feels real.) But then the disappointment of waking up every morning to what the world really is brings on the greatest depression I have ever personally felt. Dreams can be a nice escape but we cannot live there. I cannot live there. That would be defeat.
Achieving Victory.
So how do I twist this way of thinking into a positive perception and achieve victory? Enjoying what I have. Taking reality for what it is, understanding the past was the past and I can't go back and live there either. Every moment had its negatives, whether I remember them or not, and I must accept this. Then what drives me to keep going? the idea of what I want. I take this feeling of wanting to get away and I use it as a goal. Some form of anxiety has made itself known to me and I have to pay attention to it. Whether it be a short term fulfillment or something to work toward. These feelings are guiding me toward the life I do want. A life where I can be happy in every moment. Is such a thing even possible? I don't know but it's a nice thought anyway. Even with the understanding that there is a possibility I will never be fully satisfied in the current moment because I can easily find the things wrong. It's easy to focus on the negatives of the moment. It's easy to look back with regret because suddenly its the positives which stick out in my mind. The negatives have been forgotten. So why can't I just live like that? Let the negatives pass right through me and find all the positives with this current situation instead? Well, that is something I am still working on.
With goals to work toward, moments of wanting to get away don't seem so unbearable. I can remember why I stick to the monotony and work on enjoying exactly what I have right now. The satisfaction of getting away will come later. With planning and preparation, I can satisfy this longing. It is the getting there which can be so difficult. But then again that is part of the journey. That is what makes getting away so fulfilling. The work and effort of the journey. And life is just a giant journey, why am I always wishing it away? After all, the end of the journey is pretty much, just death. But I'm not going to go into after death talk, in this particular situation I am not going to prescribe to any particular religion. Some people base their life off of what happens after death. In this situation, I am speaking purely from the point of classifying death as the end. This is why life should be enjoyed while we still have it. This is why I should be happy with right now. I have no idea what's to come and with this fleeting thought, everything becomes more precious.
Enjoy the Now.
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